khuioduan

[ His first post is a video, because of course it is. Jack is wearing a crisp black business suit with a bright yellow tie. He is seated at a beautiful office with his window overlooking the rest of the city. ]

Handsome Jack here. Let's take a break from the rest of the mouthbreathers on this network and listen to some real shit, mmk, kiddies?

I'm gonna come right out and say it.

Khu Ioduan, you've got a bandit problem.

Now, I know no city just decides to breed a bunch of violent, psychopathic, incest-loving criminals and spread them out to cause havoc all over the other unsuspecting cityfolk...But listen. How many times has this happened to you -- You're walking down the street, and all of a sudden, some filthy fucking bandit snatches your purse? What about this one? You go to your favorite restaurant, and out of nowhere, some jerkwads start swinging their big clubs? And I mean, suuuper big clubs. Like, [ grimaces ] overcompensating big.

Why is this happening? Well, it's 'cause it's way too easy to be a dick around here! Who's protecting the shop owners, huh? The police? But do you think the police are always gonna end up at the crime scene fast? I can hear you asking -- What else should we do, Mr Handsome Jack?

Introducing the Hyperion Security Protection Package. [ He plays a video showing off the security prototypes ] Currently in-development, we'll be distributing them next month with plans to get enough to pick up at our new store location. You've got your surveillance cams, your biometric scans, your shields, and to those who can afford it, automated security bots. Why pay for a mercenary when you can have a bot that does the same shit but never gets tired? Pre-order now. Two years to pay it off, people, with the cheapest package available at one cobalt triangle every month for two years. These things are already selling like hot cakes, baby, damn! Don't be left in the dust, unprotected. Order your new security system today.

[ The feed goes back to Jack ]

Oh... and one last thing. Hyperion isn't going to end here. This is just the beginning. We're planning on expanding to more than just security systems. I'm thinking new discoveries and hotter electronics. As such, we're looking for engineers and scientists that can keep developing and perfecting Hyperion tech. There's a new era of science and technology coming to Khu Ioduan, and if you want to ride the wave of the future, stop by our building with your application. Ciao.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wow, sarcasm? Super weird how you never noticed there's two widely known gangs in Aifaran called Neneneka and Baika. Are you ignorant, or just plain stupid?

Dude, it's a city. Gangs are like sketchy sandwich shops. It's a part of the ecosystem.

I haven't heard of anything serious that the cops can't take care of. Private security is a solid business, but I think security droids might be overkill. Your market optimization point is probably going to be shields and surveillance. Preemptive and passive security will always sell well, because they're cheap enough to justify no matter what the actual threat is, and there's fewer logistics involved for the customer.

Anyway, once you get into armed security forces and security drones, the legal issues get messy fast. If there's not enough of a market to support it, you're going to blow all your capital just on your legal team. I mean, I assume you have a legal team if you're offering armed security bots, right?

[What? No, he's not giving you a hard time, Jack. He's just being helpful. So helpful!]

Oh, okay. We just let people get accosted for protection money because it's a city. Good to know complacency's your first choice to handle outstanding societal problems.

Yyyyyes? Did you pay attention to my advertisement, where I said there will be shields and surveillance available, with security bots only being available to those that can afford it?

You're trying to play devil's advocate with me here, kiddo, but the logic's all over the place. Let the gangs be, but security drones? Way overkill! Stupid.

Security bot purchase is gonna be done after a thorough background check and extensive training, not unlike the distribution of firearms, except you can't even take them outside. The bots are gonna be digitally constructed and destroyed when the intruders are subdued. All bot activity will be recorded in a Hyperion database in case they're ever needed by the sentry, and the customers will take full responsibility should they choose to do that, so even if we have a legal team, it's unnecessary. No, they can't be hacked easy -- I know how to encrypt code. You think I'm an idiot or something?

Are you gonna offer anything of actual value, or are you just gonna waste my time running through the things I got out of the way in the first briefing?

Edited 2018-05-04 14:50 (UTC)

Who is it who's asking for protection money, again? [Wait, you mean the gangs, right, Jack? Sorry, he got confused and thought it was you for a second.]

And yeah, I heard that, right before you steamrolled over them to upsell your bots. I'm just saying, you're risking overextending if you push your top tier too hard without establishing a reliable customer base, first. What are your market analytics? Private security isn't just about firepower. It's dependability. You just told a lot of people you're banking big on this being a hot, competitive market. And if people don't buy the hype... well, then it kinda looks like you're just blowing hot air, doesn't it? Not a great look for a private security firm.

[He's pushing, but not just for the sake of being a pain in the ass. Private security isn't an inherently shady business, but it can definitely attract unscrupulous characters, and Tony's trying to figure out what Jack's angle is. Poking, prodding, using his knowledge of the corporate world to suss out the shape of what's lying underneath the pitch. His dad would be proud.]

Also, for the record, I can totally hack your bots. [That was just for the sake of being a pain in the ass. ]

[ He squints. As this kid drones on, Jack finds himself increasingly... bored. This isn't even the first jackass that's tried to get smart with him today, and honestly? He's too beautiful and rich to be dealing with this nonsense. He grabs a handful of chips from his desk and eats them. Mouth full, ]

Mmk, I get it. You wanna show off your mega-brain 'cause you think you're smarter than a five minute ad that covers the basics. You know, an ad meant to attract customers to the shop and not necessarily explain everything going on with the products? [ Inserts a link to their website ] How about you read up on the packages and TOS? There's a customer service you can jack off your nerd shit to. Waste their time instead.

Thanks for telling me, idiot. I'll be sure to prepare for that.

Edited 2018-05-05 10:31 (UTC)

[Hmmmm... Tony's coming down on the verdict of... Shady asshole. It is now his mission in life to be as annoying as possible.]

Am I bugging you? You seem a little insecure about this, buddy. Are you sure you're up for it? Running a business can be hard if you don't have experience.

[Good, antagonize your best prospect for a well-paying job, Tony. Nice Job Breaking It, Hero.]

[ The kid's STILL going for it? ]

Ohhhh my god, you're still here? You don't know how to click a website? I had a suspicion you were born stupid, but I didn't realize your mother snorted cocaine on the daily while she were carrying you. Severe brain damage must've been hard for you to deal with growing up. The pretty girls called you names while you ate your own boogers in front of the class, huh? I am, truly, sorry. Here. I'll click it for you.

[ The website opens for Tony's communicator. The line to Jack has been cut. ]

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