001

[amaskofmyownface]

[ His first post is a video, because of course it is. Jack is wearing a crisp black business suit with a bright yellow tie. He is seated at a beautiful office with his window overlooking the rest of the city. ]

 

Handsome Jack here. Let's take a break from the rest of the mouthbreathers on this network and listen to some real shit, mmk, kiddies?

 

I'm gonna come right out and say it.

 

Khu Ioduan, you've got a bandit problem.

 

Now, I know no city just decides to breed a bunch of violent, psychopathic, incest-loving criminals and spread them out to cause havoc all over the other unsuspecting cityfolk...But listen. How many times has this happened to you -- You're walking down the street, and all of a sudden, some filthy fucking bandit snatches your purse? What about this one? You go to your favorite restaurant, and out of nowhere, some jerkwads start swinging their big clubs? And I mean, suuuper big clubs. Like, [ grimaces ] overcompensating big.

 

Why is this happening? Well, it's 'cause it's way too easy to be a dick around here! Who's protecting the shop owners, huh? The police? But do you think the police are always gonna end up at the crime scene fast? I can hear you asking -- What else should we do, Mr Handsome Jack?

 

Introducing the Hyperion Security Protection Package. [ He plays a video showing off the security prototypes ] Currently in-development, we'll be distributing them next month with plans to get enough to pick up at our new store location. You've got your surveillance cams, your biometric scans, your shields, and to those who can afford it, automated security bots. Why pay for a mercenary when you can have a bot that does the same shit but never gets tired? Pre-order now. Two years to pay it off, people, with the cheapest package available at one cobalt triangle every month for two years. These things are already selling like hot cakes, baby, damn! Don't be left in the dust, unprotected. Order your new security system today.

 

[ The feed goes back to Jack ]

 

Oh... and one last thing. Hyperion isn't going to end here. This is just the beginning. We're planning on expanding to more than just security systems. I'm thinking new discoveries and hotter electronics. As such, we're looking for engineers and scientists that can keep developing and perfecting Hyperion tech. There's a new era of science and technology coming to Khu Ioduan, and if you want to ride the wave of the future, stop by our building with your application. Ciao.

 

Comments

[video]

[darkwingsofkilvas]

Well, you sure piqued my interest. [... In how much crap this pitch is. Naesala's pretty sure he would've noticed if there was an actual bandit problem here.] I work at a restaurant myself, and someone swinging - ahem - their club around would definitely be bad for business.

So these 'security systems' of yours are... suits of armor without a person inside? Do I have that right?

[video]

[amaskofmyownface]

...If you want to put it in the stupidest way possible, then yeah, they're "suits of armor without a person inside."

[ Rolls eyes. Jack pulls up another video specifically on the bots. ]

Fully automated, heavily armed and shielded, constructed on the spot with intelligent AI. In idiot terms, it means they can walk around and recognize hostiles without needing command input or too much maintenance, unlike people. In even more idiot terms, which I imagine is what you need -- robot see bad guy, robot kill. You got that, genius?

That's only with our premium package though. I'd explain the surveillance tech, but I'm worried it'd be too many smart words for you.

[video]

[darkwingsofkilvas]

[Hearing all that makes Naesala's gaze sharpen, his wings rustling behind him in irritation.]

Is that your strategy for talking to the public? Not all of us come from worlds with that much complicated machinery - and for that matter, there aren't walking machines on this world. You might not have noticed it, but this bandit problem you described doesn't exist. In the slightest.

Have fun trying to sell your hunks of metal to people who don't need it.

[video]

[amaskofmyownface]

Buddy, I don't know where you've been the last however long you've been here, but we've got two whole crime factions and a bunch of cheeky little upstarts snatching old lady purses every other day. Yeah, we've got a bandit problem. Thanks for the good luck, because people are already pre-ordering, dummy.

You program the machines. You input a bunch of code, and then you shove it in the "suits of armor without people in it" so they can walk by themselves. It's not magic. It's science.

[Video]

[purered]

...You seem to have just described a rather mild afternoon in Jerusalem's Lot.

Though that is rather impressive - I know there's a number of Dreamfolk here on the tech savvy side of things who would be very interested in your work.

[Video]

[amaskofmyownface]

If it's mild, then we seriously need to start cleaning up our streets!

My goal is to get all the tech people on board. Opara's competent, but it's too mild. Baby stuff. We need to be more ambitious with projects if we wanna get anywhere. If you know anyone that wants to work on more than just phone games and tiny bots, send them my way.

Re: [Video]

[purered]

Ah - Jerusalem's Lot isn't here. It's back in my world. Aifaran is fairly standard as cities go, even given some of it's more extraordinary circumstances.

I'm curious, however - what sort of ambitious projects do you have in mind?

[Video]

[amaskofmyownface]

All these resources, and nobody's thought to use them? Do people just immediately hit the beach as soon as they get here? Psh. Whatever, more for me, then.

At the moment, I've got electronic shields, entertainment systems, servant bots, and vehicles in mind. Can you believe these guys just travel by boat? Who the hell wants to dick around the sea for days? I'll also be conducting studies on households, crimes, and common city problems. Supply a demand, so to speak.

My biggest scientific interest is the inherent talents, and whether or not it could have varied applications. I feel like we're not using a natural powerful resource to its full potential.

[video]

[dendranthema]

...I can look after myself.

[Kaltz might look mildly confused. He understood about 20% of that.]

[video]

[amaskofmyownface]

[ Squints. What's with this guy? ]

Uh. Good for you...? Do you have a store, or?

[video]

[dendranthema]

No. Nor do I have a favorite restaurant.

[video]

[amaskofmyownface]

Uh... huh...

Wait. You said you can look after yourself. Does that mean you're competent in combat? How competent?

[lasergrenades]

[Well, this is a new approach. Most Dreamfolk didn't open with a sales pitch, but Pepper supposes that there's a first time for everything. This guy reminds her of that Sham-Wow dude, and at least for the moment that's amusing.]

Wow, you've really got it all figured out, huh? The Sentry might as well shut their doors now.

Unless, of course, you're planning on selling this stuff to those 'bandits'. Then they'll have even more trouble dealing with criminals.

[ encrypted: 50% ]

[amaskofmyownface]

Not planning on it, kiddo. If there's anything I hate more than being stranded here, it's filthy, degenerate bandits. Nothing would make me happier than wiping them off from the face of Khu Ioduan. Preferably limb from limb, but I'll take just wiping them out in general.

Re: [ encrypted: 50% ]

[lasergrenades]

...Uh. [Okay, so Jack is in favor of the use of force. Noted.] Right. Well, that's... good to hear, sort of? I mean, I'm all for stopping criminals, but there are laws and justice systems for a reason.

[Says the teenage vigilante.]

How are you going to tell who you're even selling to? 'Bandits' don't exactly wear a neon sign on their forehead.

Re: [ encrypted: 50% ]

[amaskofmyownface]

We'll go with lawful methods for now, but I'll let you in on a little secret. Laws and justice systems look impartial on paper, but it actually only functions to protect those in power. You got that, kitten? If some written down law really is supposed to help the common man, then why do these problems persist? If the law can't protect us, theeeen [ Gestures to her, as if expecting her to continue his sentene ] we look for solutions ourselves.

That's easy. Everyone who purchases one will undergo a rigorous screening process. We'll be checking paperwork, books, and possibly other business partners for legitimacy. We'll keep identification records and biometric data of everyone, as well as manually install them at the store locations. Should they abuse Hyperion tech, we can override their systems with emergency protocols I've encrypted on the code. [ Laughs ] This isn't the first time I've tangoed with bandits, kiddo. They're sneaky, but in the end, they're just rats! They can learn how to work around poorly designed traps, but in the end, they're always gonna lose on account of all the feces and lead they eat killing all their brain cells.

video;

[denyamenti]

[ This is almost refreshing to be honest. ]

So the first thing you're going to tackle here is better security, hmm?

video;

[amaskofmyownface]

[ Is it just him or did that feel threatening? ]

That's right, kiddo. Gone are the dark days of store security being dependent on breakable padlocks and a sword you keep under the counter.

Hey, you know, I'm glad you kids are taking such an interest in this stuff. Is security from your world more modern?

Re: video;

[denyamenti]

[ Jack merely gets a raised eyebrow at referring to the thief as a kid, but Bakura otherwise chooses not to respond to it. ]

I've seen better and I've seen worse.

Doesn't sound like you'll have much opportunity to test your wares before peddling them off though. That could backfire on you if you're not careful.

[ Video ]

[floofhog]

Security...robots? I'm not sure that's a good idea.

[ Oh, he doesn't like the sound of this.. ]

[ Video ]

[amaskofmyownface]

What? Do you just want shop owners to watch their inventory get stolen by muscled thugs or something?

[ Video ]

[floofhog]

No, but robots don't have the same level of judgment as the shopkeepers would.

[video]

[highprofilerichkid]

Wow, a bandit problem? Super weird. How none of us noticed that, I mean. Are they really sneaky bandits?

[All that talk about security tech (and jobs) has definitely piqued Tony's interest, but there's something about the delivery that rubs him the wrong way. That's a lot of swagger and firepower being pitched for a problem that Tony's not sure anyone actually has.]

[video]

[amaskofmyownface]

Wow, sarcasm? Super weird how you never noticed there's two widely known gangs in Aifaran called Neneneka and Baika. Are you ignorant, or just plain stupid?

[video]

[highprofilerichkid]

Dude, it's a city. Gangs are like sketchy sandwich shops. It's a part of the ecosystem.

I haven't heard of anything serious that the cops can't take care of. Private security is a solid business, but I think security droids might be overkill. Your market optimization point is probably going to be shields and surveillance. Preemptive and passive security will always sell well, because they're cheap enough to justify no matter what the actual threat is, and there's fewer logistics involved for the customer.

Anyway, once you get into armed security forces and security drones, the legal issues get messy fast. If there's not enough of a market to support it, you're going to blow all your capital just on your legal team. I mean, I assume you have a legal team if you're offering armed security bots, right?

[What? No, he's not giving you a hard time, Jack. He's just being helpful. So helpful!]