khuioduan

[ His first post is a video, because of course it is. Jack is wearing a crisp black business suit with a bright yellow tie. He is seated at a beautiful office with his window overlooking the rest of the city. ]

Handsome Jack here. Let's take a break from the rest of the mouthbreathers on this network and listen to some real shit, mmk, kiddies?

I'm gonna come right out and say it.

Khu Ioduan, you've got a bandit problem.

Now, I know no city just decides to breed a bunch of violent, psychopathic, incest-loving criminals and spread them out to cause havoc all over the other unsuspecting cityfolk...But listen. How many times has this happened to you -- You're walking down the street, and all of a sudden, some filthy fucking bandit snatches your purse? What about this one? You go to your favorite restaurant, and out of nowhere, some jerkwads start swinging their big clubs? And I mean, suuuper big clubs. Like, [ grimaces ] overcompensating big.

Why is this happening? Well, it's 'cause it's way too easy to be a dick around here! Who's protecting the shop owners, huh? The police? But do you think the police are always gonna end up at the crime scene fast? I can hear you asking -- What else should we do, Mr Handsome Jack?

Introducing the Hyperion Security Protection Package. [ He plays a video showing off the security prototypes ] Currently in-development, we'll be distributing them next month with plans to get enough to pick up at our new store location. You've got your surveillance cams, your biometric scans, your shields, and to those who can afford it, automated security bots. Why pay for a mercenary when you can have a bot that does the same shit but never gets tired? Pre-order now. Two years to pay it off, people, with the cheapest package available at one cobalt triangle every month for two years. These things are already selling like hot cakes, baby, damn! Don't be left in the dust, unprotected. Order your new security system today.

[ The feed goes back to Jack ]

Oh... and one last thing. Hyperion isn't going to end here. This is just the beginning. We're planning on expanding to more than just security systems. I'm thinking new discoveries and hotter electronics. As such, we're looking for engineers and scientists that can keep developing and perfecting Hyperion tech. There's a new era of science and technology coming to Khu Ioduan, and if you want to ride the wave of the future, stop by our building with your application. Ciao.

Threaded | Flat

Well, you sure piqued my interest. [... In how much crap this pitch is. Naesala's pretty sure he would've noticed if there was an actual bandit problem here.] I work at a restaurant myself, and someone swinging - ahem - their club around would definitely be bad for business.

So these 'security systems' of yours are... suits of armor without a person inside? Do I have that right?

...You seem to have just described a rather mild afternoon in Jerusalem's Lot.

Though that is rather impressive - I know there's a number of Dreamfolk here on the tech savvy side of things who would be very interested in your work.

...I can look after myself.

[Kaltz might look mildly confused. He understood about 20% of that.]

[Well, this is a new approach. Most Dreamfolk didn't open with a sales pitch, but Pepper supposes that there's a first time for everything. This guy reminds her of that Sham-Wow dude, and at least for the moment that's amusing.]

Wow, you've really got it all figured out, huh? The Sentry might as well shut their doors now.

Unless, of course, you're planning on selling this stuff to those 'bandits'. Then they'll have even more trouble dealing with criminals.

[ This is almost refreshing to be honest. ]

So the first thing you're going to tackle here is better security, hmm?

Security...robots? I'm not sure that's a good idea.

[ Oh, he doesn't like the sound of this.. ]

Wow, a bandit problem? Super weird. How none of us noticed that, I mean. Are they really sneaky bandits?

[All that talk about security tech (and jobs) has definitely piqued Tony's interest, but there's something about the delivery that rubs him the wrong way. That's a lot of swagger and firepower being pitched for a problem that Tony's not sure anyone actually has.]

Edited 2018-04-30 21:17 (UTC)

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